What is your parenting style?

There is no such thing as perfect parenting. You may find that you don’t fit into just one style. As you read this, please don't engage in parent guilt or shame. You’re doing the best you can.

Your parenting style supports the healthy growth and development of your child. The way you interact with your child and how you discipline them will influence them for the rest of their life. Researchers have identified four main types of parenting styles:

  • Authoritarian

  • Authoritative

  • Permissive

  • Uninvolved

    Each style takes a different approach to raising children, offers different pros and cons, and can be identified by a number of different characteristics. The truth is that there is no one right way to parent, but the general parenting style that most experts recommend is an authoritative approach.

Authoritarian Parenting Style

Do any of these statements sound like you?

  • You don’t consider your child’s opinions for your parenting decisions.

  • When it comes to rules, you believe it's your way or the highway?

  • You don't often take your child's feelings into consideration.

If any of those sound true, you might be an authoritarian parent. Authoritarian parents believe children should follow rules without exception.

Authoritarian parents are famous for saying, "Because I said so," when a child questions the reasons behind a rule. They are not interested in negotiating and their focus is on obedience. They make the rules and enforce consequences with little regard to children’s feelings.

Authoritarian parents may use punishments instead of discipline. So, rather than teach a child how to make better choices, they're invested in making children feel sorry for their mistakes. Children who grow up with strict authoritarian parents tend to follow rules most of the time. But, their obedience comes at a price.

Children of authoritarian parents are at a higher risk of developing self-esteem problems because their opinions aren't valued.

They may also become hostile or aggressive. Instead of thinking about how to do things better in the future, they often focus on the anger they feel toward their parents or themselves for not living up to their expectations. Since authoritarian parents are often strict, their children may grow to become good liars in an effort to avoid punishment.

Authoritative Parenting Style

Do any of these statements sound like you?

  • You put a lot of effort into creating and maintaining a positive relationship with your child.

  • You explain the reasons behind your rules.

  • You set limits, enforce rules, and give consequences, but take your child's feelings into consideration. 

If those statements sound familiar, you may be an authoritative parent. Authoritative parents have rules and they use consequences, but they also take their children's opinions into account. They validate their children's feelings, while also making it clear that the adults are ultimately in charge. This is the approach backed by research and experts as the most developmentally healthy and effective parenting style.

Authoritative parents invest time and energy into preventing behavior problems before they start. They also use positive discipline strategies to reinforce positive behavior, like praise and reward systems.

Researchers have found children who have authoritative parents are most likely to become responsible adults who feel comfortable self-advocating and expressing their opinions and feelings.

Children raised with authoritative discipline tend to be happy and successful. They're also more likely to be good at making sound decisions and evaluating safety risks on their own.

Permissive Parenting Style

Do any of these statements sound like you?

  • You set rules but rarely enforce them.

  • You don't give consequences very often.

  • You think your child will learn best with little interference from you.

If those statements sound familiar, you might be a permissive parent. Permissive parents are lenient. They often only step in when there's a serious problem.

They're very forgiving and they adopt an attitude of "children will be children." When they do use consequences, they may not make those consequences stick. They might give privileges back if a child begs or they may allow a child to get out of time-out early if they promise to be good. 

Permissive parents usually take on more of a friend role than a parent role. They often encourage their children to talk with them about their problems, but they usually don't put much effort into discouraging poor choices or bad behavior.

Children who grow up with permissive parents are more likely to struggle academically.

They may exhibit more behavioral problems as they don't appreciate authority and rules. They often have low self-esteem growing up and are at higher risk of health problems. This is because permissive parents struggle to promote regular exercise or healthy habits.

Uninvolved Parenting Style

Do any of these statements sound familiar?

  • You don't ask your child about school or homework.

  • You rarely know where your child is or who they are with.

  • You don't spend much time with your child.

If those statements sound familiar, you might be an uninvolved parent. Uninvolved parents tend to have little knowledge of what their children are doing. There tend to be few rules in the household. Children may not receive much guidance, nurturing, or parental attention.

Uninvolved parents expect children to raise themselves. They don't devote much time or energy into meeting children's basic needs. Uninvolved parents may be neglectful but, it's not always intentional. A parent with mental health issues or substance abuse problems may not be able to care for a child's physical or emotional needs on a consistent basis.

At other times, uninvolved parents lack knowledge about child development, or they may believe that their child will do better without their oversight. Sometimes parents are simply overwhelmed with other problems like work, paying bills, and managing a household.

Children with uninvolved parents are likely to struggle with self-esteem issues and tend to perform poorly in school. They may also show frequent behavior problems.

FAQs

  • There is no right or wrong way to parent. You can make an honest evaluation of yourself and make changes to best meet the needs of your child.

    A lot of parents see their child’s success and failures as a reflection of themselves as a parent. Your parenting style can change as you continue to learn more about parenting.

  • A big part of parenting is setting rules and limits for your children. If you have a spouse or co-parent, discuss limits together. Parenting takes teamwork and collaboration. As much as you can, decide with your partner what your limits are ahead of time. For example, decide on your limits for weekday screen time, after-school snacks, or homework rules.

    It’s common for two parents to have different ideas of what’s appropriate, so it’s helpful to set the boundaries together. Whether you live in the same house or not, try to maintain the same basic limits. It is most important to demonstrate to your child that you have your partner’s back 100%, even if you disagree wholeheartedly with how they approached a situation. Talk to your partner away from your children about how certain situations could be handled differently.

  • Authoritative parenting is the most recommended. The communication and appropriate standards lead to emotionally stable adults.

    To take an authoritative approach, parents can:

    • Set clear boundaries and limits

    • Offer children choices.

    • Frequently express love and affection.

  • If you find that your child is having some behavior issues, you might decide you need to adjust your parenting style. Reflect on your own childhood and what worked for you and what didn’t.

    If you want to change your parenting style, look into parenting workshops and classes. Many schools or early childhood centers offer classes or can refer you to one. Continue to explore our informational website and feel free to ask questions. For professional help, a mental health therapist can also help you work through issues from your own childhood and find a parenting approach that will work for your family.